Feeling a Great Deal of Feelings

I got the idea to start this blog from my mother who told me that if I thought I had something to say, I should find a way to share it with the world. (Hey Mom – since you’re probably one of the few people reading this, this is public admittance that you were right!) 

While I don’t necessarily know that my thoughts are all that crucial to share, I might as well combine my knack for gabbing with an interest in writing. My hopes for this blog are that I work through some of the trials and tribulations of officially becoming a slave to the Man for the rest of my life, while sprucing up my cynicism with a bit of humor for anyone who likes me enough to give this a read. Topics to come: fashion, food, exercise, and whatever else my tip-tipping little fingers can ramble about across your computer screens. Until then… here are my feelings on feeling. 

Limbo: “An uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.” (Also known as a really awesome bar mitzvah game I always tried and failed to win.) 

This is my condition. Limbo is me. I am Limbo. We have recently, in the last three weeks to be exact, become close – so much so that I have taken up residence with Limbo, cried over Limbo, yelled at, and laughed with Limbo. Limbo has become my significant other, and dare I say, my friend. But pretty soon, (nine days but who’s counting really?) Limbo and I will go through a break-up, or maybe a break by Ross Geller standards. This tragic separation is because the grand and terrifying ominous “G” word is fast approaching – graduation. 

You see, for the last three weeks I have felt as though I am too old to be at school, to participate in the debauchery of college town antics, and too young to be comfortable in situations where pleasantries exchanged about children’s sporting events and pet bodily functions while in stuffy suits and panty hose are the unspoken, but strictly held to, social-code. And this feeling of not belonging in any world, of the unknown hypotheticals that have racked my brain for weeks, that is a feeling that has caused a lot of feelings, that is a relationship with Limbo that has quickly went from a naive honeymooner to absolutely trapped in a matter of days. 

It’s hard to put into words how I’ve felt over the past few weeks – excitement and joy and pride and being absolutely scared shitless all in one to put it simply. As a psychology major, I have slaved over theories that have consistently confirmed nervousness and anxiety are very different things. So, I feel it is safe to say that I know I am nervous about the future because it feels unpredictable. My whole life I have been a traditional classroom student, where the months between August and June were spent behind a desk and summer offered a break for sun, socializing, and seeing the world outside of institution walls. But living in Limbo means this isn’t the case anymore – cue anxiety. I am so anxious in fact, that rather than studying the 483 notecards that are necessary to know in order to meet the qualifications for graduation, I am writing this post. I am so crippled by the fear of what is to come that I have reached an inability for productivity whatsoever.

 

How do you say goodbye to everyone you have felt comfortable with, to the people who have shaped you into the person you’re okay with looking at in the mirror today? How do you possibly say goodbye to that person in the mirror as you step into the deep-dark hole that is the working world in which the only way out is retirement or death (or I guess whichever you reach first?) How do you make new friends and how do you make sure the old ones remember how much you mean to them and them to you? How do people get past this feeling? See what I mean… anxiety is a real head-bitch-in-charge, lose your footing and lose your head, temptress.

 

But then I remember – I am not alone. Whether it be my friends who followed ‘traditional’ paths and went to four-year institutions, or my friends who sought other paths and have recently found themselves back on the doorsteps of their family homes, unsure and feeling unwell, we have all taken up residence in Limbo. And the recognition of this eases that chest-aching, stomach churning, lack of sleep anxiety back down to nervousness. I am nervous that I will not meet the expectations set forth by myself or those who have watched me grow over the last four (or more) years. I am nervous that I may not be doing exactly what I was put on this earth for right now (and really nervous that I still don’t know what that reason is), but I have zero – and I mean zero – fear that my friends and now roommates in Limbo will impact the world. The Millennial generation has goodness in our hearts and an unwavering faith in the success of the underdog through all hate, bigotry, violence, and small-mindedness that we have seen come from our world, and yet still we have a tenacity to keep on keeping on.

 

So Limbo is where we are. Limbo is where we live. And it’s a scary, unknown world out there, but for those of you reading and feeling the same feelings, I’m glad to know I have you here with me – take my hand, lean back, and we’ll go under the stick together.